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Friday, May 17, 2013

Sweater Vest Pillow

Maybe you have seen Silver Linings Playbook? Well, good,  you know what Bipolar Disorder is! It's nice to see mental illness being talked about more and not in a shaming way. I have talked about it on my blog before and I think it is important to share our stories and overcome the stigma. I wrote this a couple months ago.

"Let's watch a movie. We have popcorn!"

With an accusing tone he says, "I can't believe you said what you did."

Shit, I feel guilty and remind him that I was frustrated and hurt. "I didn't mean it. I don't feel that way all the time. You were manic and I was at my wit's end."

He prepares to give me the silent treatment and hides away for a while. I check in periodically with hugs and assurances that I love him and that I'm not mad anymore. But I can tell his mind is occupied with negative thoughts and it might take a while for him to come around. I leave him alone for a while and give him space. It's been quiet long enough so I peek in on him again because I am worried and protective. The light is off and he is laying on the hardwood floor using a sweater vest, that he wears to work, as a make-shift pillow. 

"Are you okay?", I almost shout because my mind is racing with worst case scenarios and that he is more depressed than I thought and that he passed out on the floor or some other horrific situation. He sort of sighs a yeah and tells me that he is feeling down. I tell him I know and I lay next to him in a tiny room with barely enough floor space for the both of us. We talk while laying on the floor and all the anger and frustration I had earlier that week disappears. I have to accept the fact that even with medication, he suffers from Bipolar and the ups and downs happen and the illness can still take over. Being close to a full-blown manic episode led to an inevitable depressive state.

It wasn't the first time we have been through it and although it is painful, it teaches us more about how to deal with it and still show that we love each other. Even though he has Bipolar Disorder. Even though it wasn't the first time I jump to asking him to stay somewhere else because I just can't deal with it. I really don't want him to leave. I would rather we talk. He doesn't leave this time and doesn't show any signs of needing hospitalization or that I need to take his wallet and keys away. Thank fucking God. That is rarely necessary  It just happens every once in a while and we get through it and it makes us tougher. Hopefully, I also learn when to be more gentle and keep my snappy little mouth shut. It's harder than it sounds! I have to remind myself that sometimes it is the Bipolar talking and the best I can do is be loving and try not to let it hurt my feelings.

Being a little tough and equipped is not a bad idea when your 31 year old partner for 14 years was diagnosed only 3 years ago. We didn't know when we got married that we would be saying good-bye in a Salem hospital, too close to the real-life One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest mental hospital for comfort, and then doing it all over again a year later. If I asked my 16 year-old self if I would be calling the police on my then boyfriend and future husband, I would never believe it. But I did and I am thankful for it every day. Without those worst moments of my life, we would still be wondering why things were such a roller coaster.

Now, we know the reason and do our best to manage with it as part of our lives. It's part of our history, sometimes the present and most definitely our future. I am not always sure how to handle it. I work at being kind and loving. I cope by writing heart-breaking letters to him and then tearing them up later. Just to get out the thoughts I have when he is not being himself. Other times, I blurt out my feelings and overwhelm the situation. There isn't a perfect way to be a partner to someone with Bipolar Disorder. Someone that can get paranoid, consumed by obsessions, moody and distant. Neither of us grew up with honest dialogue about mental illness and there isn't a manual that you get after your first hospital release. I won't lie. I can get lonely and my feelings can get hurt. But we love each other and accept that it is part of our relationship and an illness that isn't anyone's fault.

These days, it's much rarer to go though an episode than before we had a diagnosis. It doesn't take long before we are making each other laugh, cooking a meal together or snuggling on the couch again. We talk openly about it with each other, just like sex or anything else in our relationship. We make jokes about the time he was convinced that aliens were taking over and how I had to chase after him in the middle of the night when he ran out the door in his pajamas, convinced I was trying to kill him in his sleep. And we are good for each other. Someone on the outside might think that the rough times are not worth it. But they are. He teaches me patience and what it's like to truly love someone and I teach him that he can find happiness on bad days and be spontaneous. I watch out for him and we support each other. It's a balance that can take work but I don't think anyone can say any healthy relationship is work-free. In fact, most of our friends see us as the stable, successful relationship and say that we get along better than anyone they know. You can't tell by looking that one of us has Bipolar Disorder and that the other one probably has undiagnosed behavior that causes her to talk to cats and wait last minute to do everything.
- Rachele

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Book Review: Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns)


I read Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) because Mindy Kaling is funny, but I did it with the open mind that not everybody is a fat activist. I can relate to her as an over-achiever, bookish shy child, non-morning person, TV watcher and comedy lover. Yep, pretty sure I was the weird girl that stayed home and watched Golden Girls rather than going out to ride my bike.

But as she got older, Mindy got pretty good at making friends and keeping friends. Something that is hard for me to wrap my brain around. She is extroverted and social in a way that boggles my mind. A section called "Best Friend's Guide" stung a little because I felt that I was supposed to have that and let's be honest, not very many people have that or can behave in the way she expects. Her expectations in real life seem to mirror a lot of her self-written character as Dr. Mindy Lahiri on The Mindy Show. Someone that thinks boys have to be men before she can date them, you have to go to college and make lots of money, that friends have to come with her to every errand and anyone odd or unimportant can just leave please. Tumblr would tell me that she is ableist and racist. I am not sure I completely agree. I found her to have a case of diarrhea mouth and maybe trying too hard to be funny. Or maybe, I couldn't relate to everything she talked about.


I didn't like the men are better than boys part because by her description I partnered with a boy but it doesn't make him less than a man. And why does a man have to be privileged, wear expensive clothes and own a house? I don't know. I would date a homeless guy that listened to Elliot Smith and painted or something.

She is also a self-proclaimed chubby girl but then succumbs to bullying and loses weight. But she also points out that they don't stop making fun of her and realizes the issues was never herself or her weight. I side-eyed a little when she talks about avoiding the dreaded obesity status. At least her jokes are more inward and honest and blaming society for making her feel this way. I wish she was as self-assured about her body as she was about her career. She could talk for chapters about comedy writing, her job at The Office, SNL, etc. but when it came to her appearance, she disappointed me as a reader. This is not the "go girl!" type of memoir you might find in say Coal to Diamonds: A Memoir by Beth Ditto. So, I am not going to over-analyze this book too much.


With that, I enjoyed the book and read it in a couple days. Mindy is cute, funny and chubby and I like her diarrhea mouth. 

- Rachele

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Fossil Rocks and iPhones


Last weekend was filled with beach rock hunting and teaching my parents how to use their new iPhones. The mister found the above fossil rock! I found some agates and successfully got my mom to text 12 hours before she decided to block it again. We go see them every few months to walk on the beach and provide technical support.


All cute and retired.


The mister rocking a Superman look.


We spotted some whales too! Can you see it?


Now, it's back to work and catching up on laundry.

- Rachele
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