I want to be honest with you about something. Last Sunday, I was feeling especially deflated. Deflated and defeated. I woke up after having strange dreams that somehow made me feel like I was all alone. I was reminded of past friends and felt like people didn't really like me (self-pity alert!). It was like everything was building up inside of me and I couldn't hold it in any longer.
My best friend and I since 5 years old went our separate ways last year. We have been friends since kindergarten and were especially close in high school. We used to dress alike, do everything together and practically had our own language. My wedding was in her family's backyard and she was my maid of honor.
Not seeing her or exchanging gifts with her around Christmas felt alien. She has lived out of state for a while now so that is usually when I would see her. I guess that is what made me really feel the grief of it. The reason for us not being friends anymore is complicated. We have been growing apart for years and I guess our differences became too much for either of us. I stopped trying after being pushed away for a long time. I realized I wasn't sure if I wanted someone in my life that felt obligated to be my friend when she didn't want to be, who doesn't like me or want to spend time with me. I can't say that I am still not angry and blame her. I have friends that don't share the same views, but we don't pass judgement on each other or take it personally where there is a difference in opinion. That is all part of what makes a relationship! Being able to disagree, joke and share with each other- and still caring for each other. I feel hurt and abandoned and am not sure how long it takes to get over somebody when you were so close for almost 20 years.
Although I spent Sunday morning crying in my breakfast, I have so much in my life that makes me happy. I am married to my ultimate best friend who loves me exactly the way I am. I am lucky to be employed. I love my house, my kitties and as silly as it sounds, I love my blog friends too. I just need to remember that I have something to offer in a friendship and let some of my walls down.