I want to be honest with you about something. Last Sunday, I was feeling especially deflated. Deflated and defeated. I woke up after having strange dreams that somehow made me feel like I was all alone. I was reminded of past friends and felt like people didn't really like me (self-pity alert!). It was like everything was building up inside of me and I couldn't hold it in any longer.
My best friend and I since 5 years old went our separate ways last year. We have been friends since kindergarten and were especially close in high school. We used to dress alike, do everything together and practically had our own language. My wedding was in her family's backyard and she was my maid of honor.
Not seeing her or exchanging gifts with her around Christmas felt alien. She has lived out of state for a while now so that is usually when I would see her. I guess that is what made me really feel the grief of it. The reason for us not being friends anymore is complicated. We have been growing apart for years and I guess our differences became too much for either of us. I stopped trying after being pushed away for a long time. I realized I wasn't sure if I wanted someone in my life that felt obligated to be my friend when she didn't want to be, who doesn't like me or want to spend time with me. I can't say that I am still not angry and blame her. I have friends that don't share the same views, but we don't pass judgement on each other or take it personally where there is a difference in opinion. That is all part of what makes a relationship! Being able to disagree, joke and share with each other- and still caring for each other. I feel hurt and abandoned and am not sure how long it takes to get over somebody when you were so close for almost 20 years.
Although I spent Sunday morning crying in my breakfast, I have so much in my life that makes me happy. I am married to my ultimate best friend who loves me exactly the way I am. I am lucky to be employed. I love my house, my kitties and as silly as it sounds, I love my blog friends too. I just need to remember that I have something to offer in a friendship and let some of my walls down.
20 ♥ COMMENTS ♥:
Im so sorry you have to go through this and feel this way. One of my best friends since 5th grade and I unceremoniously split ways a few years ago also and it was really hard. It can feel like a part of your past is ripped away since there are so many shared memories. I agree though that sometimes eliminating unhealthy relationships from your life is better than holding onto the idea of what the friendship used to be...but its still hard.
Anyways, thanks for sharing, and you are very loved!!
Ahhhhh I so know where you are coming from.....I was my cousins maid of honour....on the morning of her wedding she decided to let me know I had been doing everything wrong, and that I was not such a great person etc....I tell you the awful feeling I had in the pit of my stomach lasted for months....it's taken me awhile to realise that they are her issues not mine....and yes I am worthy of love and friendship, and if ppl get to know me I can be a pretty cool friend : ) You are so worthy...I LOVE stalking your blog....I really do love that you are you...unique and cool and fab! I guess the only thing that heals wounds is time : ) Love and Peace xox
You will be okay in time, honestly. These things sadly happen, we grow up, older, our lives change and we don't always connect with the same people we did years prior.
It has happened to me as well. Maybe one day the two of you will come to a common ground and be able to talk again.
:)
I know exactly how you feel! Sending hugs your way! You are awesome! : )
I thought something was wrong with me that I didn't keep friends from childhood, high school, etc. into my adult life. It seemed like everyone else had their 5-year-old self's bestie still in their lives! Now I realize it's not just me. That we grow & change (& move!) & that friends come & go. And that's just fine. It doesn't minimize their importance to a particular time in our life if they are no longer a daily/current force in our lives.
At least, that's my point of view.
It hurts, indeedy-do, to lose a friendship - but it's wonderful to hear you focus on the Good stuff (your hubby, your kitties, your Self!).
I can so understand how you feel. Over the last few years I've made the decision to stop being friends with two close friends. One friend - she was more of a frenemy towards the end. She would annoy me whatever she did and I would spend more time moaning about her that I did enjoying her company. It all came to a head when she informed she was pregnant via her facebook status and after an angry email exchange where she accused me of being similar to an abusive husband (because I bought her nice presents but apparently abused her the rest of the time!!) we ended up walking away and hating each other. I wish I'd handled it better but I was going through a rough time and well... that was the end of it. I sometimes remember the good times we had together and it makes me sad but I know our lives were so different that we couldn't have continued.
The other friend - she was someone who, like you, had an important role in my wedding. Yet when it came to her wedding she didn't even invite me because her fiancé didn't like me (personally I think he was frightened that I realised he was a control freak who realised my friend was a pushover and I'm the complete opposite)! I realised that my friendship to her wasn't important enough to even fight for me to come to her wedding and if she wanted to marry someone who dictated who she was friends with then there wasn't much point. The final nail in that coffin was when she asked me to organise her hen do for her...!!
I'm glad you've realised that you have a lot of things in your life that makes you happy. I'm too married to my best friend and I have lots a really cool friends who do value me and would fight to stay friends with me regardless of their partner's opinion of me. But like you would grieve the end of a relationship with a lover - you need to do the same with a friendship. So don't feel bad that you cried and felt down. Losing a friend of 20 years is hard - especially when you have been through so much together.
I know how you feel a year ago one of my best friends, well, replaced me. It was hard. I felt hurt and confused. But now I am happy and realize maybe that needed to happen so I don't feel hurt anymore.
Parting ways with a friend really is difficult. REALLY difficult. And it's ok to be sad about it sometimes. You are right to take the time to look at all the good in your life though! You seem like such a sweet, fun, creative person with a ton of great energy!
@crystal Exactly. I need to work on remembering what was good and moving on with my life. Thanks for the love!
@Jessemiah That's horrible! I carry myself like I am not concerned by what people think of me but deep down I am sensitive and that would of killed me. My MIL says something like "some people are not going to like you, screw em!" Thanks for being a stalker ;)
@kymberley I totally agree. I am a VERY different person than when I was 16.
@Marla Rae Morrison I appreciate that! *hugs*
@tea and chickadees Thanks! Your point of view helped me a lot. :)
@amonkeyfatshionista I hope to have learned from some of my mistakes I made and be better at communicating, and hopefully get the same from my other friends in the future. Nothing is worse for a relationship than resentment.
@Burnt Toast I am glad you don't feel hurt anymore! I am going between feeling hurt and just pissed lol. It was meant to be and I will get over it.
@jules Thank you!
Sometimes the hardest choices are the best ones. Good for you for recognizing what your boundaries where and doing what you needed to do for your happiness. I have had to make the same choice and although I still think of her three years later, i know I made the right choice for my own happiness
I so understand how you feel! It's been 3-4 years that I've been separated with my best friend for silly reasons and misunderstandings. I felt that she kept bringing me down and at some points that she was antagonizing me.
I couldn't blame her because it was my decision to be apart after all but now... well... I'm still not sure it was for the best.
I just stumbled upon your blog and I gotta say, I feel for you. I've just been through the same thing with my "former" best friend I knew my whole life. We grew apart and it finally came to an end a few months ago. It hurt a lot, I felt like crap, but in the end I accepted it. She wasn't the most positive person in my life, and the whole situation did make me realize what "real friendship" is. I hope you're feeling better. <3
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