This is something I have been thinking about for a while. I hope I can share my thoughts without sounding catty or jealous. Because that is totally not me! I will admit that I have had those evil thoughts but I don't feed into them and let them take over me. Even then, I can't help but notice that I am the fat blogger and miss out sometimes. I wonder if people pass up on hitting the follow button or adding me to their favorites because of my size. Just like in real life, I worry about what people think. I obsess over the losing a follower right after posting an outfit post. I am thinking that they don't want to see a fatty in high waisted jeans and hit the unfollow button. And it upsets me! Which is not my usual strong, confident, fat acceptance activist self!
But I do worry and feel left out sometimes. Much like how in real life I can't shop at every store and don't quite fit in certain theater seats, the blogging world makes me feel like I don't fit. I will probably never be the ModCloth Blogger of the Moment and nobody is going to draw my portrait or mold me out of paper or clay. But I puff my chest out and keep on doing what I do. Because I am happy! And I wear pretty clothes too! I love taking photos, making art and telling my story. But I realize that if I was doing the same exact thing as the cool bloggers, it wouldn't be the same. Because so many people and kids idolize them and want to be them and beg for their attention. Shit, that sounds horrible! I am actually thankful that doesn't happen to me.
I am overwhelmed that I have as many readers as I do and that Blogger made me Blog of Note. I work hard on my blog because it is something that I love to do. There are perks but it doesn't nearly compensate me for all the time and effort I put into it on a daily basis. But I am not complaining. I didn't start blogging because I wanted to be popular, although I can't help but say it is nice sometimes. It is nice to be appreciated. But rather than be followed by a million people that don't really care. I would rather have readers that I can relate to and get to know. I figure the people that stop following me are probably not the person I will relate to. And if they stopped following because of my size, then they probably have their own issues about weight and maybe the little they got to know me will help them come to terms with it in the future.
I am not the only fatty on the block, there is tons of fatshion and plus size bloggers out there and even a few like me that have snuck into the mainstream community. We balance on the line between being plus size bloggers and just bloggers. And since I am anti-diet and feel strongly about fat acceptance, it pushes me further into the plus size side. Is is possible to be on both sides? I am not sure. I am not invited to any plus size blogger meets or events (except for one that was too far away). But if being myself means that I will always be in limbo and not really fit, then I can be okay with it! I have had a chance to represent fat acceptance to people that may have never heard of it otherwise.
I know that it is not the intention of other bloggers to make me feel this way. These are my own paranoid and self-doubting thoughts. But being the fat blogger is fucking hard sometimes.