I posted photos of myself online in a bikini yesterday. Holy shit. Even with all my self-love, confident, kick-ass attitude, I would never ever think that would happen. It was a very emotional day for me as I sat at work while photos of almost every inch of me are on the internet. 550 pixels wide of Rachele’s thighs, that weird spot where the fat on my thighs folds over, full belly that has become flabbier as my bodies changes with age, dimply elbows, behind my knees, overflowing back and so on.
I don’t feel vulnerable or exposed but I thought about the risk of posting photos of myself with so much skin showing. The possibility that it would end up on a FuckYeahJackOffOnFat Tumblr. I considered that I would receive mean comments or emails. That followers would click away and never come back to read my blog or consider what they were seeing is beautiful. These thoughts passed through my mind in a very logical and calm way. I wasn’t panicking but was just considering the consequences. Fuck consequences. I wore this adorable bikini in public and took photos of myself in it that I love. I had to narrow them down from 21 photos that I really like and I didn’t see flaws in any of them! I mostly edited out repeats or blurriness. I felt awesome in it. I look at the photos and I see a strong, tattooed woman with shapely features that has done some amazing things with her body and mind.
But I have done something radical and it is giving me radical feelings and emotions. I went from still feeling a little awkward in my own body to feeling brazen and wild in 9 weeks. Every week, I make a point to share a photo of myself, state my size and try and pass on the self-love inspiration. Encourage others to do the same and change how they feel about their bodies and fat bodies. This practice of saying out loud the things I knew about myself already, made my convictions much stronger. I am never going to hide my body again. I am never going to wear a fucking cardigan in 90 degree weather to hide my arms or the outline of my belly. I am never going to sweat my ass off in leggings when I wear a dress in the summer.
I have evolved and I can’t help but cry with joy! This feeling of power and self-acceptance is intense and I see the difference between how I was before and how I am now. It goes deeper than the clothes. I am doing what I want with my body and not letting anyone police it or make me feel shame. I have this control over myself that I didn’t have before. My world has opened up to possibilities. There are things I can do and participate in that I was keeping away from myself. I now have access to happiness. Unconditional happiness.