Every week I do this project, I have new revelations and advances in my fat acceptance journey. Because nobody is just BAM! Fat positive! I am always growing and learning more about my relationship with my body, how I view other bodies, sexuality and how I am treated by others. Especially when I am putting myself and image out there. In my recent experience with being subject to hateful comments online about my body, I was told that my bottom half looked like it was on backwards, that my body was wrong, unhealthy and not acceptable. It fucking pissed me off. Then I laughed at the people that were pissing me off. Then I started thinking about how somebody can be the type of person that scrutinizes and criticizes someone else's body on the internet. What makes them think that they have the right to make assumptions about me, my health and my overall worth. Why the fuck would somebody be so concerned that some of my body parts were sticking further out than others. They could only appreciate a plus sized body as long as it fit into the shape they feel is acceptable.
I watched this video tonight and I found my answer. It is fatphobia. We weren't born with it. It is something we were taught through rewards, punishments and experiences. By what we are exposed to and told is right and wrong. Movies, TV, magazines, our peers, parents and everybody else is telling us the ideal of beauty in our culture. Our brains are literally programmed from the time we are born. You can choose to hardwire those thoughts or you can learn to de-program these thoughts. We all have a level of fatphobia ingrained in us and have to make a conscience effort to undo it.
I am asked often by people, that are struggling to accept their fat bodies, how I became so fat positive and confident and there isn't an easy answer to give them. It is a process. Something that I still have to actively participate in. There are things you can do that will help with that. Virgie Tovar talks about challenging yourself to be attracted to someone that is fat. Whether it is a new friend or romance. You may be making an unconscious effort to only associate yourself with thin people because maybe you are thin yourself or because you are fat and don't want to bring unwanted attention in public. That somehow you are validating your worth by being loved and appreciated by someone that is more acceptably beautiful.
If someone is ugly to you, challenge yourself to see them differently. I read this post about the TLC show "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" and how the mother is seen as ugly and undesirable but that there is more to her. That she may not be as stupid and gluttonous as everybody would like to think. If you can't see any beauty or charm in her "ugliness", maybe it is the fatphobia stopping you. What about the fat man that can't leave his house and had to be lifted out through a hole in the wall? Or the fat lady at the grocery store using a scooter? Do you immediately see them as unworthy and look down on them? Do you see yourself as better than them? Maybe it is the fatphobia. You have years of experience and influences telling you that you should think that their bodies are bad.
Virgie also talked about fat girls that are fat positive but still have traces of fatphobia holding them back. They imagine their bodies look differently when they are having sex or fantasizing, instead of having these experiences in their own bodies. Expose yourself to sexy images of fat people or watch fat porn. Yes, I just told you to watch fat porn. Actually, Virgie Tovar suggested it but I already did years ago so I am telling you to do it too. Find out what it looks like when fat people have sex. Your only references of people having sex are thin actors in unrealistic romantic movies and this is your idea of what fucking is supposed to look like. Your sex life will be changed when you start using the body you have, instead of the body you think is supposed to be sexy in your head.
You can make these changes in the way you think. Stop feeling hate and shame towards your own body or other bodies. Channel this energy into widening your views of beauty. Basing your feelings towards someone on assumptions of beauty, health and worthiness is a road well-traveled, bumpy and riddled with potholes. Instead, explore the less-travelled roads and allow your brain to make pathways to new thinking. Your synapses and self-confidence will thank you.
I highly recommend Virgie Tovar's website because she is about a thousand times smarter than me. She is also the editor for a book coming out soon, Hot & Heavy: Fierce Fat Girls on Life, Love & Fashion
which is now available for presale.
which is now available for presale.
- Rachele
18 ♥ COMMENTS ♥:
Some of the stuff that is in the media is really gross. For instance, this show that is coming out soon (http://www.lifestyle.com.au/tv/diet-crazy-mums/) is about mums who force their kids to go on diets (when they are perfectly normal children). It's so sad to see.
Thanks for writing these posts, by the way :)
i think it is noble of you to write these posts about fat-acceptance and such. i do think it is a beautiful thing for people to love themselves and think highly of themselves but i also think it is important to respect your body. honey boo boo's family, although entertaining to watch, are not teaching their children how to take care of their body's in a healthy way. i mean, they eat cheese puffs for a meal sometimes. i think that it's great to love yourself no matter what type of body you have, but loving yourself isn't just thinking highly of yourself and feeling confident. loving yourself is respecting your body and taking care of it.
just some food for though
Well said. Very well said. It needed to be posted, thank you for writing this.
Thank you, also, for the forgiveness of fatphobia. Not the act, or the lashing out, but that it's an unfortunate symptom of some of the ignorant choices we all make. It's the work, journey and understanding that you need to change your way of thinking that is important.
I feel like you have crawled up in mah brain!
I don't understand how anyone can hate their own body. It makes me so sad that someone would deny themselves joy or happiness because of the shape of their skin. When I think of all of the things I am able to do with my body, no matter what size or shape it is, I feel so lucky!
I do not understand why simply viewing my body with their eyes makes anyone feel they have ownership over me. That's what just completely shocks me. From telling someone to eat a sandwich or the horrible things people have said to you, I just don't get it. When you are motivated by love you can see that everyone is worthy of our adoration because they are unique. I love your style and your blog. Thank you!
It amazes me that people think it is appropriate to enter a person's positive space (albeit a public space) just to write scathing messages about that person. There is a lot of hate in the world and on the Internet and it sickens me to think that someone such as yourself, a person who strives to help other people recognize their worth and their beauty, would be subject to that hate. Rachele, you are one of the most inspiring bloggers I've had the pleasure of coming across. When I read your posts about fat acceptance and self-love, I walk away a better person, a more enlightened person and a more confident person. So, thank you for being strong enough to withstand such hate. It's because of your strength that other women are learning to stand tall themselves. I look forward to the day that you don't have to put up with this BS. But, until then, know that what you write is making a difference.
I wholeheartedly agree. It was only until recently (because of my starting with blogging) that I looked into my own fatphobia. Although I've never consciously thought "I can't be friends with that person because they're fat," I must have subconsciously because I've never really had a fat friend. Sometimes when I would be upset at someone, instead of thinking about what a terrible person they might be, I would think "oh they're so fat and stupid". Sometimes I catch myself thinking negatively about the fat woman on the scooter or the other fat people I encounter in my life. I always have to pull myself back and remind myself that they are people too, and who the hell am I to judge a person based on their appearance? People (myself included) need to judge others on the basis of their attitudes and their actions- not their body shape. It definitely is very interesting (and sad) to see how my own mind responds to fat people, and I'm slowly trying to change that and challenge others to do the same.
I'm also training for a half marathon right now and was looking at pinterest under the health/fitness category for some inspiration and running tips. If you ever want a more prevalent example of fatphobia check out that health and fitness category! It is so sad and shocking how absolutely terrified people are of becoming or being fat. There are so many articles on how to get the perfect beach bod, get rid of love handles, get bigger boobs, get rid of tummy flab, get an anti-gravity butt etc. Maybe if we spent all of the time we put into being scared of fat (in others and in ourselves) towards being kind, the world would be a much better place. After all, for every 10,000 articles on pinterest about weight loss it seems there's only 1 article about how to be a nicer and better person.
http://trailgrrrl.blogspot.com
The issue for me with saying that loving your body is the same as respecting it, taking care of it, making healthy choices, etc. is that this can mean something different to everyone. Based on their abilities and access, it is not going to look the same for everyone. Loving yourself regardless of your health is important. Because people don't take care of something that they hate. As far as the parenting issue goes, I am sure that what is portrayed on the TV show is distorted. But I do agree that we should be giving families access to healthy choices, without the fat shame, guilt and bullying. i.e. war against obesity. I found the post that talks about the show and I think she has some really good points -
http://withloveandswallow.blogspot.com/2012/09/if-youre-disgusted-by-honey-boo-boo.html
Wow, everything you say is so inspiring! Last year, I lost almost 20 pounds while I was away at school but I had never thought of myself as fat. I went from being a size 10 to a size 4 and now, it seems like I'm more body conscious than I ever was before. Sometimes I still feel fat even though I know I'm not. I just hate that I always have to worry about what size I look when it shouldn't even matter. I hate feeling guilty for eating delicious food because I LOVE food and should be able to eat whatever the heck I want to!
This post really came when I needed it because I need to see myself as a beautiful and healthy girl. And shame on those people who are judging you! You're so beautiful not only in how you look, but how you carry yourself too and it's sad people feel the need to criticize you. Thank you so much for this post and keep being awesome :)
-Jessica (Sew In Love)
Long time reader, first time commenting.
Thanks so much for writing this. I'm fat and confident and while it took me until I was in my early twenties, I do love my body. I know, though, that I have lingering fatphobia toward others. In the last few years I've done my best to sort of call myself out on it (everyone talks to themselves, yes? Yes!) and figure out why I'm doing it. It's such a bummer to realize that this conditioning has been happening since birth, and we all have to work really hard to move past it. In any case, thank you for putting this out there, and for being your usual awesome self. Well done.
I wanted to tell you how much you've helped me with my own fatphobia. I've been ok with my arms for years, started wearing shorts this summer and I felt like I was getting in touch with loving my own body, but I was still phobic about my own stomach and the way I had an extra fold in the front. I did everything to hide it, but it was still there, my ever present VBO! Then I started following your blog and you seemed to be oblivious to your VBO. at first I'll admit I was put off, even confused as to why you didn't try to hide it, or flatter it in some way. But post after post you let it shine and slowly I came to like it, expect and even adore your VBO and slowly I suppose my own. All of this leads up to my first ever dream in which I was obviously fat and actually proud of my VBO. I've never had a dream like this, EVER! so while I'm still sporting the long tanks, tunics and empire waisted tops to hide my VBO I think I'm on the way to being a little more happy with myself. And you have played a large part in that. THANK YOU!
She definitely has some good points, like the filming crew's video angles. I totally agree that it's disrespectful.
But going back to the loving yourself issue - i feel like you could basically say that about anything. loving yourself doesn't mean the same thing to everyone. drinking water doesn't mean the same thing to everyone. i mean, there are some basic principles out there. i don't care what you look like, as long as your taking care of your body. some people are bigger than others and that's okay. but when someone is obese and just filling their bodies with junk and no exercise, it's just not healthy. period. whether you take a long walk when you get home from work. whether you're a vegetarian. maybe you decide to take dairy out of your diet. my point being is that you can't just say that loving and respecting your body is different to everyone. filling your body with cheese balls for dinner and a bowl of ice cream isn't nutritious. the body needs vitamins, proteins, and stuff like that. it's a scientific fact.
I agree with you there. There are healthy choices and unhealthy ones but I think that we can't expect people to make the same choices as us and we shouldn't condemn them. Health and movement are complicated and effected by physical, social, spiritual, occupational, emotional and intellectual aspects. Everyone should still be treated with the same respect whether or not they are a good fatty or a "bad" fatty. You can also say that a skinny person that eats tons of junk food and doesn't exercise is unhealthy. But that's their choice and I am not going to judge their worth or health. You shouldn't have to respect your body to love it. I think if we encourage people to first love themselves, then the respect and healthy choices will be easier for them. They may not see it as an option before because they feel so much hate and guilt about their bodies. Take away the hate and they might start taking better care of themselves, mentally and physically.
By the way, you are totally free to have a different opinion than me. I am just putting mine out there :)
IAPOMS?
Also, youre awesome and im sorry. When this happened to me, I started the 25 Things:) Maybe you should join in once in a while and give them the middle finger. Show em whos boss rachele. And it can be really fun.
A middle finger and a belly shake to all the haters in the world!
ALSO. Watch this and rock out girl.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qw3Z8Oa7E3Y
Wow. Just Wow. I don't often say this, but this post just changed the way I think. I watched Virgie's video, (which was great by the way) and read what you had to say. Then I had a good hard think. So much of what you had to say really resonated with me, and it's forced me to take a long look at the way I view fat people. I think my mind-tank needs some serious re-arranging. Thankyou so much for writing this, and for being so open about sharing your journey.
I am totally blessed to have a fat mom, so I grew up being okay with fat, my two very best friends are fat, and not just a little "over weight" (a term I don't use because it is just silly. How can it be determined what weight you shouldn't be over?) anyway, they are fat and I see the fatphobia CONSTANTLY when we go out. They are both gnarly fat guys and I'm just little, short and thin so we get a lot of comments about how "I could do sooo much better." and how I need to have more respect for myself and find a "decent man". It is so frustrating and almost like a different form of fatphobia. My friends get railed on all the time for it, but so do I. It seems that society is trying to make it so that not only fat people are ashamed but so are there skinny friends! Well let me just say, I LOVE MY FAT FRIENDS!
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