I have the personality of Amelie crossed with Margot Tenenbaum with a dash of Tina Fey and Aubrey from Parks and Recreation. I have been struggling to accept that I identify with these personalities the most and am not the outgoing gal with tons of friends that I think I need to be. Starting now, I am going to accept my loner homebody bitch personality. Fucking hell, trying to be the opposite is exhausting and disappointing.
I cried a lot this holiday weekend because I felt rejected and lonely. I cleaned the house from top to bottom and unpacked everything in preparation of what I thought would be a busy day of friends and family visiting us. I bought food, wine, wore my prettiest dress and baked dozens of cookies. But only one person came by for less than an hour and didn't bother to invite us along to join the rest of the family when they left. It made me really angry and I started getting mad at myself and at every friend and relative that didn't stop by or invite us over. How could they ignore us? Don't they want to see our new place and eat my yummy food? I would even take a skype call! Why would my own immediate family take a giant shit on my Christmas and make me feel so unwanted? I was too busy blaming myself and trying to be the type of person that everybody wanted me to be, that I didn't notice that I had exactly what I need and want. That a holiday at home with my husband and kitties is exactly what I desired the most. I am introverted, shy, neurotic, awkward or whatever you want to call it. I like daydreaming, creating art, reading entire books within days, talking to the cats, going to cafes alone, cuddling on the couch, taking a photo adventure, teaching myself a crochet pattern, etc, etc.
The last few years, I have tried being this extroverted creature that goes to parties and clubs. While I love the people and experiences I have had (hello, dancing at a bar with Beth Ditto!), it’s not me. I was trying to escape from my partner’s struggle with mental illness at first but now that he is diagnosed and things are better than ever, the jig is up. I was also trying to fix what an employer told me was broken when they fired me and told me I needed to change my personality. I was putting myself through hell because I took to heart when my best friend told me she didn't like me anymore and didn't want to be my friend or when my mother in-law declared me unfit and didn't need me in her life anymore. All because I was shy or perceived as stand-offish. I thought I needed to change and have spent the last few years trying to be "right." I don’t want to keep putting all this pressure on myself. I need to let those wounds close and heal.
For goodness sakes, I get nervous responding to email sometimes. Like I can't think of enough words or social normalcy to fill the little box. Chit chat or small talk is not my forte. I don't talk on the phone. Even the thought of confronting someone or being in a group of people gives me anxiety. I can do it. I have done it. I can speak publicly and mingle at a party. I got over the fear. I proved whatever I needed to prove to myself. The fucking test is over.
I need to start respecting my own boundaries and taking advantage of my strengths. I don't want to stop going out or seeing friends, I just need to think about it differently. I hope that people still invite me along even if I do have to turn them down because it is the end of the week and I need some "me" time. But I might say yes and have lots of fun! Just not going to make myself feel obligated to uphold the same social calender every week. I enjoy when people come over and hang out but I don't have a lot of friends that want to do that. I don't have a best friend or a group of girls. This is likely because most of the people I have a liking to have similar personalities and are probably sitting in their house every weekend thinking the same thing while I ignore them when I could be befriending them and inviting them over every once in a while.
Talking about this always sounded whiny and trivial in my head. I didn't want my readers to think I was complaining or asking for help. Which I am not doing. I am never the type of person to apologize for who I am and I am not going to start. But I had this revelation over the holidays after my pout-athon and it feels good to share. This habit of having high expectations was making me crash harder and harder every time when things don't work out. Wallowing in my own self-pity and thinking about how nobody would show up at my funeral or visit me in the hospital when I am sick was becoming a common occurrence Which actually did happen and I had to beg someone to bring me food when I was bedridden. It's depressing to think that nobody is going to be there for me when I need them the most! Of course that isn't true. I have the mister and I need to spend less time expecting things from people that aren't going to deliver and start building relationships with people the right way that do care about me. Being self-destructive and passive aggressive is not going to help with that.
I am not giving up being nice or a good person. I still want to make friends. I am just declaring a peace treaty with my personality. Instead of pushing against it and becoming more bitter, I am going to spend more time understanding it and embracing it. Being an enemy of yourself is dreadfully miserable. I have all these securities and confidences when it comes to my style and being fat and I put this last insecurity on the back burner. It seems so cliche to be a quirky artistic girl with shy tendencies. I swear I am not trying to be a Zooey Deschanel look-alike. I am me and I just want to be the best me I can be.