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1/25/13

Letting Go of the Thin Fantasy


I am not a skinny girl trapped in a fat body. My body is not "extra weight" or over my allotted allowance of size that I was meant to be. I am fat and probably always will be fat.

I have given up on the fantasy. The fantasy of having a different body. The fantasy of being thin. I used to have this reoccurring daydream that I was granted any wish I wanted, and my first one was to be thin and have long hair. Or anytime I saw a flat stomach, I would spend days thinking what it would be like if that was my body.

Now I can draw my own form without looking and don’t project other people’s bodies on my own. I feel like I am finally a tidy package, instead of this tall, fat, awkward disjointed person that I used to be. It took years for me to stop seeing myself as a potential thin person. To stop sucking it in and squinting at the mirror to see what I thought I wanted to see. Now I look at myself naked and I feel like a whole person. I feel like every inch of my body belongs to me and this is what I am supposed to fucking look like.
- Rachele

47 ♥ COMMENTS ♥:

Sunae Reilly said...

It is such a wonderful thing to be comfortable with your body and truly know who you are. I am incredibly happy for you :)

Mandy said...

You are one Bad Ass Lady and I LOVE YOU!!!!

Tairalyn said...

You my love make me happy.
I have struggled my whole like with accepting the way I look, and its strong woman like you who help my journey be a lot more enjoyable.

Xxoo
Taira

Fiona Kleinschmidt said...

Great post. And great photo! Love that you were able to add some hand-drawn elements to it. It's also weird, because I was just writing my latest blog post and was replying to a question "What is the one thing that people don't know about you?" and I used these exact words "I am NOT a skinny girl trapped in a fat girl's body!" Those words must be in the air at the moment, but it's such an empowering thought! :)

Tempest Nightingale LeTrope said...

I'm not quite there yet, but I'm working on it! The older I get, the more "there" I am. At least I've given up on the "there's a thin girl trapped in my fat body" nonsense. There's still this crappy little voice that harps on me that I should be trying harder to be thin.

Priya said...

Good for you! It's good to see someone who is not swayed by the world's warped perception of the 'ideal size'. We should just be happy and take care of ourselves, that's all that matters.

Dreama VanDyne said...

This is awesome. I can't wait for the day when I genuinely feel this way about my body, I get closer everyday. Thanks for this Rachel.

Beaute Sombre said...

PROPS.TO.YOU. for doing this! :]

Jess Rollar said...

You teared me up with this post. <3

RosieY said...

You are beautiful!

Eve said...

Wow! Thank you! You inspire me! X

Eve said...

Wow! Thank you! You inspire me! X

Eve said...

Wow! Thank you! You inspire me! X

Eve said...

Wow! Thank you! You inspire me! X

Eve said...

( ehm...ohhh, sorry! My comment appeared four times...I don't know why. But it's true, you inspire me a lot ;)!)

Angel said...

That took guts to post this picture, but also I love what you did with it!

Lynn said...

If you are carrying too much weight which causes stress on every part of the body, then you are not taking care of yourself...

Dino inpaleblue said...

I fucking love you, know that!

Rebecca said...

I have to say, I really love reading this blog, I honestly do and I totally admire you for posting the images you do and writing about fat acceptance in the manner that you do! Its empowering stuff that's for sure! But like Lynn above, I do agree with her, its not healthy. I personally am about 30 pounds overweight and I'm working on losing it, not because I'm looking to realise my inner skinny person but because my cholesterol is high, my knees click and hurt a little and I generally just don't feel great! Its all for health reasons. I'd be interested in reading how you feel healthwise, if you want to share that is.

Sophie said...

Lyn, do you have her medical records in front of you? Have you been following her around and watching what she eats, and how much she exercises? It's not really fair for you to offer up "helpful" advice unsolicited, under the presumption that Rachele has no idea how to take care of herself.

Leah Lucci said...

A) Fuck yeah. You are so hot and rad.

B) That new hair rocks.


I'm not sure there's a way to say "I want to grow up and become you" without being creepy, sadly. But there it is. Thanks for your posts; they really help the rest of us out.

Suburban Sweetheart said...

Yes, girl, yes.


Also: What is this fun cutout, & from whence did it come?

Lynn said...

Sophie, I do not feel that sharing my own personal experience should cause anyone to become defensive. I do not follow Rachele around but I do follow her blogs and by her own account she does not make healthy food choices. My remarks were most DEFINITELY SOLICITED as this a comment section. I have made no assumptions or presumptions that Rachele doesn't know how to take care of herself. I do not have her medical records in front of me, however, there is scientific, concrete evidence that cannot be disputed. These fundamental facts apply to everyone. The more body fat you have the harder your heart has to work to pump blood through the excess. This can elevate blood pressure. High blood pressure leads to strokes. Having excess fat will certainly raise cholesterol and triglyceride levels in the blood. This leads to clogged arteries and heart disease. Extra fat stresses the liver and pancreas causing insulin resistance and eventually diabetes. Being heavy places extra stress on the joints, causing aches, pains, arthritis etc...I am placing no judgement on Rachele. I think she is a beautiful, unique person. I enjoy her blog and her sense of humor. However, loving the body that you are in does not necessarily mean that your body loves what you are doing to it.

Lynn said...

Thank you, Rebecca. I too am hitting this strictly from a health stand point. Aesthetics (appearance) aside, I believe that true self-acceptance and love should reflect behavior that supports health. I too admire Rachele. I believe she has much to offer the world. I just want her to be around long enough to fulfill her journey. Life is short enough without us doing things to shorten it even further.

Laura Thompson said...

That is such a fantastic picture! Also love the new hair. You look so great, so happy.

Merry King said...

You go girl! How awesome! You just cheered me up. :D

Kym Bozarth said...

I'm 45 now. It took me until I was about 40 years old to feel the way you feel now. For years I worked out hard, diet, obsessed over my body and weight. And I was so unhappy. I had children and blamed them for the fact I was overweight.
When I turned 40 I realized I needed to accept who I was and how I was built. Of how my body was curvy and luscious and lovely and fine!
I was 40 and fabulous.
I looked hard at myself and saw not a skinny person hiding beneath myself, but a perfect me looking right back.

Just Me Leah said...

Fuck. Yes. You are amazing!

Andrea Knoll said...

Thank you for this! I am becoming more and more accepting of myself, thanks to you! There is nothing wrong with being "fat" and loving yourself. I feel like one can still eat healthy and exercise, but still have curves. Long ago, though not that long ago, our figures were accepted as beautiful. One day that will be true again! <3

Mystique said...

I'm right there with you. I had the same 'a-ha' moment last year and it has completely changed my life. It's amazing what acceptance and love for you body 'as it is' can do. Instead of trying to hide my curves, I love and celebrate them.

rae - say it ain't so said...

yes! i hate that saying, and I especially hate the reverse. Oh I'm a fat girl in a skinny body. i'm tiny but i looooove to eat! I am not trapped! This is me!

Victoria said...

awesome, inspiring, amazing, crazy cool. you're a rad lady ♡♡♡

Lynn said...

I find it very disappointing that my comments were deleted. I guess the nearsighted owl only wants feedback that supports her reckless lifestyle. I thought that one of the main goals in blogging was to be receptive and tolerant of all people. Blogging should be a source for opening dialogue not a forum for everyone to agree. Best of luck to you Rachele...you are obviously in denial. I hope that you have a happy life because I doubt it will be a long one. I guess when a person lies to themselves for so long, they do not want others holding up a mirror to them.

CeliaESmith said...

Lynn, I read your original post and the arguments that followed. You are so obviously missing the point. And if you truely did follow her blog you wouldnt have left those comments in the first place. Its amusing to me that you think you are the first person to tell her the health risks of being fat. As if that's new information and you are doing everyone a favor by sharing the news.

Rachele said...

You are awesome!

Clean said...

I used to be 300 lbs as a 14 year old. Now after 5 years of hard work and dedication I am 160 lbs. Why? Because being fat is like being on a fast track to heart disease, diabetes, death, sadness, poor self image, and low self esteem. Being fat isn't a matter of pride it is a matter of poor self control and lack of determination. Losing 140 lbs was the best thing I've ever done in my entire life and now in a few short months I will be going into what I had only dreamed about, an Air Force career. I hope you lose this stupid pride for something nothing more than weakness to the alluring taste of unhealthy food. Don't believe I lost 140 lbs through MY OWN hard work and determination? I have spent the last 5 years dieting and running and buckling down for me. For my career. For my future kids. And for my happiness. This is me now, 5 years later, closing in on an Air Force career and I am fucking proud of myself.

Link to my picture.

sadpanda.us/images/1393363-69A146O.jpg

Being fat isn't being strong, being fat is being weak.

MamaMandolin said...

I really needed to hear this. I was pretty fit before I had my twin boys, and I just don't look the same anymore. I keep seeing myself as a "potential thin person" or as my old self. Like these 20lbs I'm holding on to are just this extra weight that I'll get rid of and become the better me. But this IS me. Thanks for posting this! (And all you post about excepting who you are and loving yourself.)

Iam MizLiz said...

LOVE IT! I'm looking forward to spending hours reading through your blog.
Thank you and lets spread this
"FAT & EMPOWERED" feeling we have going on!

Lynn Reedy said...

Good for you !! Fabulous !! It's about time some one put things in perspective !! I am 42 and at 29 was in a horrible car accident. I was setting at a red light when an 80+ year old lady t-boned my jeep and flipped it causing me severe back problems after 5 back surgeries (which made my back worse & the last one almost took my life) I gained A LOT of weight 100 pounds to be exact ! I have struggled with my weight and since I am not able to be the active person I once was I have finally given up on trying to get this weight off. I am still 40 pounds over weight and have decided this is it this is me !! I can't say that there isn't times I wish I could wear some skimpy little outfit (and look good in it) or wear a bikini and be comfortable with myself. Hope one day I can finally say what you just said !! BE PROUD YOU HAVE SAID IT PERFECTLY !! God Bless & Hugs !!

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Jad said...

Never mind what you look like. You should consider the long term health and financial costs of so much extra weight and how that affects others. I imagine you're American, so am I. Right now you're relatively young, but as you age your weight will surely manifest into diabetes or heart disease. These are both chronic, expensive diseases that your private insurance will pay to treat for decades. They are both also very common American illnesses.

This affects others because we're all in the same client pools with respect to insurance and your chronic, ***preventable*** future illnesses draw funds out of the pools. I'm 24 and work as a commercial cyclist in a major city. This is a very dangerous job and health insurance would be great.

I can do 20 dead hang pull ups, run three miles in under 22 minutes and beat a news copter across the city on a bike. By all reasonable measures, I am remarkably healthy. It's unlikely I would use a policy more than once a year. But, I cannot afford to buy one. My cheapest premium, $180 a month, is so high because it covers treatment for so many others in the pool with these chronic illnesses.

These preventable illnesses are the most common and most expensive to treat. Cosmetics be damned, the obesity epidemic this country is suffering from - the one your attitude is enabling - is just plain too expensive. Sky rocking health care costs can be partly blamed on corporate greed, but they can also be blamed on our neighbors, teachers and colleagues, that refuse to take control, and care of, their bodies. You are the selfish hulking weakness of the most powerful nation on earth.

Jad said...

I was wondering why all these comments say amazing and awesome. Now I understand you delete any that tell you the hard truth.

no said...

Yes there is you delusional sea cow

Saber said...

Yeah, being fat doesn't have any associated health risks or costs on society. It's definitely a good thing that people are beginning to be proud of being overweight and obese. It makes eating crap food and not exercising a lot easier to justify too.

Will kenedy said...

Good for you. When i was younger and I looked in the mirror i saw a mishapened body. I thought i would never have the body i wanted. So i went to the gym and instead of giving up i ate a good diet and built the body the i wanted.

Aluysion said...

Everyone is going to hate me for this, but I'm playing devils advocate because well, many fat people are killing themselves. I mean no disrespect to you miss Nearsighted owl and I have no idea nor do I claim to know your lifestyle/eating habits, but ... I don't know if accepting being fat is good either. For you maybe your health is just fine, maybe against odds your heart isn't working much harder and your lung capacity hasn't been lowered. I simply don't know. But what I do know is that most overweight, especially obese people are going to die early because of it.

This is not about being thin, this is not about the perfect body. It's about eating healthy and getting exercise in. I know plenty of people disagree with this, but I feel it's the same as accepting an alcoholic or a drug addict, just because they don't indulge as much or their habit isn't as engrained into their life style.

I hate the whole thin privilege too. I hate that people are cruel to those who are mentally addicted to sugars/fats when it's something your body should crave. But there is a reason we find in shape/healthy people sexy and it's because they at least look healthy. No, it's not ok to call someone gross or a cow just because they're overweight/obese, but ... this acceptance of something that could be or is killing the person makes no sense.

Never try to find the "thin" person inside. Find the healthy one, whatever shape that maybe does not matter. Sorry, but I just don't agree and I think the fat pride/acceptance is JUST as damaging as the obese hating. It's like theirs no middle ground. And understanding of the struggle someone is going through and instead encouraging them to be healthy, not accepting their bad habits/fate. You make your own.

Can anyone honestly argue that someone is healthy with extra weight? Sure, 10-20 is alright, it's still a little much. Personally given my size I can be anywhere between 108-149 and be healthy. My goal is around 120-130 and I'm currently 160-170 and at one point was 198. I know for a fact getting healthier has helped the issues I've had, with massive depression, OCD and many other things. So ... yeah. I know everyone on here hates me now, but seriously. I'm trying to make a constructive argument here. Love yourself for who you are, but love yourself enough to want to live for everyone and yourself. I feel like people who become proud of being fat have just given up. Anyway, bring on the hate I guess.....

Rachele said...

If you assume that fat people are not healthy and feel the same way as you, then I can understand why you would have this opinion. Also, being fat is not the same as being an alcoholic or drug addict - maybe having an eating disorder can be similarly harmful? But I am not promoting disordered eating or unhealthy habits. Obviously, your own feelings about being fat yourself make it hard for you to see why anyone else would be okay about being fat. If you are interested in changing your perspective, this a good place to start - http://kateharding.net/faq/but-dont-you-realize-fat-is-unhealthy/

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